Urban Etiquette

The following are excerpts that I found witty (and quite insightful) from New York Magazine’s “Urban Etiquette” article:

What’s the best way to get someone off the treadmill/bike/elliptical when they’ve gone over the 30-minute limit?

Unless it’s a known repeat offender who feels like he owns the gym, face-to-face is the first course of action. Cardio-trainers can enter a trancelike state of intense Just Do It–ness that leaves them unaware of the time, and will be perfectly obliging when snapped out of their cardio-delirium. But if you ask and are rebuffed, it’s perfectly acceptable to notify the front desk, which is usually staffed by someone with intimidatingly large pectoral muscles for this very reason.

Is it okay to hit on someone at the gym?

Only on men, and only under the following circumstances: if you’re a gay man, and you know he’s gay too, or if you’re a straight woman and he’s a straight man. And never suggestively lick sweat off a treadmill.

If you see someone litter on the street, should you let it go because he might be crazy and kill you if you say something?

It depends on where you are—if the surroundings are unfamiliar, keep to yourself. If it’s your neighborhood, say in a forceful, faux-friendly tone, “I’m sorry, sir, you dropped something. Can I get that for you?” In all likelihood, he won’t pick it up, and you probably won’t want to, either, but the proper message has been sent.

The Four Levels of iPod Interaction

Whom you do and don’t have to unplug for.

LEVEL ONE

Continue at full blast. Consider increasing the vigor of your head-nodding and/or humming. • Guys passing out bargain-electronics-store flyers. • Idealistic-looking whippersnappers holding clipboards. • Scientologists.

LEVEL ONE AND A HALF

Subtly turn down volume. • People in the elevator you don’t know. • Someone attractive who sits down next to you on the train while you are listening to the Goo Goo Dolls.

LEVEL TWO

Make a big show of pressing PAUSE. • Anyone who approaches you while you’re working out. • Non-panhandlers on the subway (may be helpfully pointing out that your bag is open, may be distracting you in a Gangs of New York–style pickpocket ruse). • Co-workers you hate. • Friends. • Your parents, if you’re a teenager.

LEVEL THREE

Remove headphones, toss them jauntily over shoulder. • People in the elevator you know. • Anyone taking your money or instructions about how to prepare your food. • Co-workers you don’t hate. • Your parents, if you’re an adult. • Police officers.

LEVEL FOUR

Completely remove and enclose in nearest pocket/bag/ purse. • Co-workers who could have you fired in less than an hour. • Anyone who’s crying. • Police officers standing next to someone who’s pointing at you and saying, “That’s him!”

Who pays the bill on a date?

The asker pays, unless the woman does the asking—then the man should pay. If the check’s on the table and her suitor hasn’t moved for it, a woman should allow him a one-bathroom-trip grace period. If it’s still there when she comes back, she should split the bill but is entirely free to silently ruminate about what a cheap jerk he is. (For same-sex couples, the asker really does pay.)

How do you end an exchange of witty, flirtatious e-mail banter?

The exchange of witty, flirtatious banter is admittedly the e-mail quagmire with the fewest number of obvious exit strategies. Nonetheless, it should be resolved like real-time witty, flirtatious banter: with one party either summoning the courage to ask for a date or ending the quasi relationship by means of unexplained unresponsiveness.

What’s the best way to split the check in a group?

At a group meal, an equal split should be the baseline expectation: It falls to those who ordered more-expensive dishes to offer to pay more, not to others to pay less. Failure to partake in the appetizers or the wine can be cited as a reason to cut one’s contribution only if there was some socially sanctioned reason for declining (veganism, Islam, pregnancy). If you just got the soup and you don’t think that’s fair, well, think about whether it’s “fair” to make your friends eat dinner with a buzz-killing cheapskate.

WHEN IS IT ACCEPTABLE TO BLACKBERRY DURING A CONVERSATION?

When it’s a “conversation” in the sense of “The New School Presents a Conversation With Harold Bloom” and you’re there. Otherwise, never. This remains one of society’s most frequent breaches of basic human decency. Seriously, what is wrong with those people?!?

IS IT EVER OKAY TO DRIVE A HUMMER?

Yes! If you’re leading a nighttime raid in Tikrit. Otherwise, Hummers have returned to their rightful place as a semi-obnoxious, semi-absurd rarity.