"Al is god. Oops I mean all is good"

"The tokens love her"

"You seriously sang the theme song to M*A*S*H during sex? You are right you are not David Blaine. You are the devil reincarnated!"

"So of course when it comes to the tip-ing thing …you know me, once the tipping starts I'm tipped over."

"its something that's like intensely personal. I witnessed, like, a really horrific garbage truck accident."

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"white guys must love you"

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"I feel like you're going to do a cheer every time you laugh!"

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"I feel like if he was a rapper he would be Kanye West"

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"Did your phone just moo at me?"

"You want somebody to pull your hair?!" "Fine I'll pull your damn hair!"

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"oh, there's Mrs. Crepe"

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"A cyclist friend of mine in Australia was hit in the face with a water balloon." "That is so dangerous! What if she had a latex allergy?"

"What is this and why is it in my mouth?"

"You're not a Pisces you're a Lie-sces!

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"Nobody else has to walk in your Choos."

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"I want to marry whoever made this"

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"No hills. Except for the beginning, the middle, and the end."

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"do you know your Mayan sign?"

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"Wow youre circumcized?" "No I am not but i have had a vasectomy"

"I'm not going to a chateaux or a church unless that's the name of a mall!"

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"he was your guardian angel kangaroo!"

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"I've lost my lip balm again. I'm so bad at lip balm"

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"I'm totally listening to my iPod during the boring parts today"

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"for those of us travellers who drink a lot..." "she's referring to you"

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"Yoplait is not French for yogurt!"

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"I won the lotto today. I won 5 cents!"

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"If your glass is full, empty it. If it is empty, feel sorry for it"

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"I cannot believe how hard they party here. They mixed billy Jean with teen spirit and Phil Collins with prince"

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"you need a ludwig laxative!"

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"Ladies, that bartender is so cute!" "He's only yay tall!" "Yeah but so is she!"

"she's drunk." I hope so!"

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"where's the beef?"

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"ce n'est pas ce que j'ai commande. J'ai demande bien cuit!"

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