"all of my clothes are comfortable. You're just uncomfortable with some of the clothes I wear!"

"its not bar conversation. I'm killing my own buzz."

"Ugh Diane ream!" "I know, she's fucking annoying." "well, she can't help it." "I know but her bosses can."

"I hate seeing friends sad over a guy. Unless its my roommate, then I laugh. Oh wow I'm evil"

"I'm done with white guys. They're overrated. And they don't appreciate my butt."

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"He dropped a 275 lb barbell on his throat. It took 6 hours of surgery to repair. He is doing better. He is on twitter."

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"its not bar conversation. I'm killing my own buzz."

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"I had sex for the first time to the Mamas and Papas" "really?" "no actually it was more like an after school bell ringing"

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"sorry, my atherosclerosis kicked in." "oh doctors must have iPhones too!"

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"I can't believe your T9 knows Alzheimer's." "yeah and it knows atherosclerosis too!"

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"Smell this vodka right now! It DOES smell like root beer! If you can smell it you have Alzheimer's"

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"Oh, these are just the drinks that we get BEFORE we go out and get drinks!"

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"he needs to wash his hands because my straw is salty!"

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