"You're cursing up a storm today. I see the cursing clouds on the horizon." "Yeah, if I had Tourette's I'd be Rain Man."

About a man with a flask: "He's a keeper." "He's the keeper of my vodka"

He needs to take sado masochism 101!

They're called a "band" but I doubt they play any instruments. They probably don't even know how to read.

Keep your legs and your options open ;)

"

We went from Hotel Rawanda to Hotel for Dogs.

"I have a boyfriend I'm not an idiot." "That's the problem you have a boyfriend so you're an idiot"

"Eve's on Glee tonight! I'm like, shawty what your name is, gurl!"

Nothing makes me more sentimental than siblings singing an inside song together

Whatever floats his boat. I only have five bucks.

Whatever floats his boat. I only have five bucks.

If the door is locked and the lights are off, you need to find another bathroom"

"let's toast to...Infinity and Beyond!"

"My arms are already sore. Biceps to be exact." "Ugh, my life is sore."

"all of my clothes are comfortable. You're just uncomfortable with some of the clothes I wear!"

"its not bar conversation. I'm killing my own buzz."

"Ugh Diane ream!" "I know, she's fucking annoying." "well, she can't help it." "I know but her bosses can."

"I hate seeing friends sad over a guy. Unless its my roommate, then I laugh. Oh wow I'm evil"

"I'm done with white guys. They're overrated. And they don't appreciate my butt."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"He dropped a 275 lb barbell on his throat. It took 6 hours of surgery to repair. He is doing better. He is on twitter."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"its not bar conversation. I'm killing my own buzz."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I had sex for the first time to the Mamas and Papas" "really?" "no actually it was more like an after school bell ringing"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"sorry, my atherosclerosis kicked in." "oh doctors must have iPhones too!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I can't believe your T9 knows Alzheimer's." "yeah and it knows atherosclerosis too!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Smell this vodka right now! It DOES smell like root beer! If you can smell it you have Alzheimer's"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Oh, these are just the drinks that we get BEFORE we go out and get drinks!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"he needs to wash his hands because my straw is salty!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"he's cute!" "too bad he's a freak!" "well just when he drinks and mixes his pills..."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"how do you spell cheeto?" "why, because now you're all vegan and can't spell cheeto?"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"no ashing on the dolce!" "don't put your dolce in my ash!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I'm gonna text (female name). She may even know his wife. Intimately." "not like you know some people's wives intimately, but yeah."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Oh you think you're shaking your head now...you better stretch!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"'you're fishing for compliments and I'm not a trout.' this came out of my mouth last night."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"oh you're a football player? That's nice, do you play any other sports like tennis or soccer?"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"We are not going in we are going to stand outside. And promote various liquors"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"we are not going in we are just going to stand outside and promote various liquors"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

" Only one bite my dress is skin tight!" "yeah that is funny! Except we had 3 bites but that's ok because it doesn't rhyme as well"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"what qualifies lil' mama to judge a dance show? Her lip gloss must be poppin to an 8 count"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"nothing "goes" with jaegar. jaegarmeister is antisocial!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I don't know, she knows more about it than I do." "No I don't!" "I have done it one time too!" "One time...too...many."
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"what about strawberry flavored cocaine?" "its not a blunt. The flavor needs to be more sophisticated than that!"
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Definition of primp slap. Wait until the girl gets all prettied up THEN you slap her."
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Its easy not to cheat when no one wants to f***you. "

"you're a dirty cunt sometimes, you know that?"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I'm about tired of drunk people tonight guys. And LORENA, I'm not talking about you.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"how was Ra? Did you get any ass last night?" "no" "oh sorry is that rude? That's what I always ask my girlfriends and the answer is usually yes"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"his wife prolly has his password. she aint dumb. u saw her do the 50 yard dash."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"This is a bullshit apple. This is another Midwest thing. It is so bland!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"He thought I was coming onto him and I was like 'look I just want your hummus, bitch!'"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"whatever, he lives in the suburbs. Everything is scary and dangerous when you live in the suburbs"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"can we give her a roofie so I can fuck him???"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Bet is off bitch. I'm not doing 2 married guys in 1 weekend!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"he can work on many different aspects of the democratic party" "yes including my ASSspect"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"when I say 'he could be cute with a makeover' I mean that he could have a big dick" "it doesn't look like there's a big dick in there to me."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"when you say 'that's a cute picture' it means that the person looks better in the picture than in person"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I like my men like I like my whiskey. Brown and straight." "yeah and feels good going down"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I think I'm going to take aderol so I don't eat and can save money. My prescription is great I can take it when I want to save money and if I want money to buy something else I can sell it"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I don't know if I like condoms made in Malaysia" "that's a long way for a condom to travel"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

This little lady came to the movies in her Sunday best!

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I like to know what's going on in my mouth"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I can't remember who he is I need key words like half moon or older guy or big dick! "

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Yeah true no hanging unless you're banging. I just made that up. I am so clever!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

EDIT Conversation with dog with a ball. "Oh you wanna play? Oh ok wait you don't want to play. You're sending mixed messages. This is how rape happens!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"one more time but a little less down syndrome-y"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"there was a child abducted in a scion? A scion?" "yeah I wonder if it was the box one? Black out the windows like a child molester van" " yeah a white econoline "

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"LORENA was making adobo? ok that's the 4th fobbiest thing I have heard you say all day"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"between the 4 of us we almost make a full Filipino"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

About large penises: "you're poking things you're not supposed to be poking". "Like my heart."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"you know i barely got DVD player working im not so techy unless it involves hacking"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"women are getting the shaft in this store this season! Wait is that inappropriate? I'm not even sure what that means." "I think it just depends on the listener"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I'll tell someone my name is Bay. And my last name is Baybay"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I'm not high maintenance I eat happy meals bitch!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Me either what? Sorry I delete texts in real time."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Bad highlights. Naught, stripe-ey tacky highlights.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"There's our bitchy hostess. We should trip her on our way out."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"is it her job to be a bitch or something? I mean, come on she is a hostess at a chain restaurant wtf?"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I like being the camp counselor. I'm like 'come to my bunk!'"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I had sex with him but it doesn't count because he was already on the list. I'm recycling. Going green!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"well what if he had a gherkin dick?" "if his dick was different then we would be different"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I'm a pisces what does that mean?" "I'm a half-breed I'm Korean and White. Half-breeds rock. Wait what are we talking about?"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I'm not sick but I wanna die!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"We could take the light rail if its not too late! Except you don't live off the light rail"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"come on Ron you're not a chimney sweep. Put that broom down and drink your drink!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"neighbor drama! twitpic that shit!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Ok I'm at mass with grandma I'll say a prayer for your drunk ass"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Ohmy god all the ice just went down my shirt. And I'm leaving it there!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I need a whistle!" " I know I need a whistle!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"hey! This is a very expensive purse! Watch it with your life!" "not as expensive as mine. Ok I will"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"do you care if that little girl is in the picture" "no, we can just crop her out."

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"my purse is pouring!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Hahaha, uhm, 300,000. This bar is awesome. Lordalmoghty, this is hilsrioys"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Hahaha, uhm, 300,000. This bar is awesome. Lordalmoghty, this is hilsrioys"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"Give me an hour ok? She is literally bawling at the bar " "wait...u r at the bar?!"

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"she burnt me" "but you know what? Beauty takes pain. I'm a diva!" -5 year old

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

"I can't make things better. Hire the band if you want someone to make things better"

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

"And Never flash your tits. Or hump a...gumball machine"

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

"You guys had sex to rain man?"

"Its hard to find a nice guy with a bald head and tattoos"

"he's not Asian he's just high"

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

"I don't want you to throw up before our duet!" "oh BEFORE our duet, so its ok if I throw up AFTER?" "well, yeah I can't DUET without you!"

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

"Note to self-when I want to feel part of the boho/Vegan/hipster crowd, replace handbag with picnic basket "

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile